quinta-feira, 12 de junho de 2014

That's it

"Please don't go anywhere". 
"what do you mean? I'm only going to the bathroom. And, we are in an airplane. I could not go anywhere".
He hated when I was being real to him. He had this crazy fear of me leaving him. But he could never imagine that this fear was mine too. I never told him that. Never let him feel it. 
Of course I was scared too. And it was so terrifying that even the imagination of he living me was way too much for my stomach.
But I never, ever, let him know that.
Never told him how scared I was by seeing him with another girl. Or even how pissed I would be with a simple and innocent flirt at the subway...

If he could just know that now...

With his great skin shining under the sunlight. And my "all the time" envy of how he can be far away from the beach and still, and still, shine like the sun.
I never told him that if I would have had kids, it would have been with him. And also how much I loved to be able to hate him on terrible pms.
I was always too scared to open myself to him. Always got lost in my fears of being emotional dependent of him. 
And never ever told him how much in love I really was...

One day, he was just tired of being the insecure one. The one that wants to sleep tight. Tired of being sweeter than me... He just went away. No much words said. Only a "slap in my face": "I wish you loved me as I love you".
There was no fight, no arguments.
I just started crying and once again caught myself too damn scared to tell him that if he would went out that door, my world would fall apart, that I couldn't know what to do without him.

So my fear glanced with a whisper of adrenaline and simply made my mouth open and say "please, don't".

The tears coming out of his eyes made his skin brighter and he was even more handsome. And I realize I could love him for all my life.
But it was too late. 
He pulled my hair just the way he used to when we were making love and told me: "if only you could love someone. Take care, baby. Love you".
He left the door opened. I felt on the floor astonished and in silent realized that I couldn't go after him.

Maybe he is right. I'm not able to love anyone.